Tonight my legs feel like bundles of live wires... more like each leg is a nylon stocking with about 5 electric eels crammed in there that are WAY pissed off at each other. I tried to go to bed, but just hurt too much not to be way restless. So I thought I'd take some meds and blog a bit while they kick in. Earlier in the day, while visiting my cousins grave... I felt like a collapse was imminent. Not just physically, but emotionally/spiritually as well. I was on one knee in front of her stone, with my hand on top of it... and felt this unhinging beginning to happen. I felt myself swaying... swooning to be precise. I felt Cindy grabbed me by the elbow and say "no Lindy, NO... go to Jen... let her take care of you." About that time my Jen was just there... and when I got up - she did grab my elbow, and walked me to the car. Jen asked if my feet hurt she said I was walking funny. At dinner with 2 other cousins before that, I had some speech issues... it is troubling to hear that happen, to be aware that it is, and not be able to stop it. Troubling also to see the cloud pass over their faces when it did. I've always been at least articulate. On the way home... I had some stammers also. I dunno if that is MS talking - or if that is a throwback stress thing. When I get way stressed... sometimes that happens.
Pain and fear and anger and frustration... uncertainty and grief and fury and sadness... rage and embarrassment and futility and helplessness... physical pain and emotional pain, spiritual pain and mental pain... I pour those out tonight... within the safety of these banks... knowing that you are out there guarding my riverbanks. You let me rage and keep me safe while I pour myself out... releasing some of the pressure... and cleansing my spirit. You each know who you are... and I love you beyond measure.