Tuesday, November 13, 2012

Decisions... Decisions...

Question of the Day: How do the things through which you have journeyed, affected the way you make decisions today?  Interesting question to contemplate.  The answers seem to be a series of complimentary pairs.  Elder G says that when we speak of the medicine wheel, and the directions, for each aspect... each teaching we must consider its opposite also, so this is shaping up a lot like that. As a result of the places I have journeyed... and the things I have experienced there, I find that at times of decision I land in one of two "camps."  

One possible response set -  is what I consider my conditioned responses, my protective default settings... of being fearful, suspicious, keeping folks at a distance and doubting myself.  Seriously... what could I possibly have to offer - who the hell am I? Damaged goods, utterly unremarkable, not even deserving of the scratch and dent bin... disposable. Certain situations can trigger me - big time...  there are... things.  Things that wash dispair, pain, terror... over this grown-ass adult, to the point where I tremble, cry, and wanna just crawl into someone's lap to be rocked and assured that the big-bad... is INDEED in the past... that the perpetrators are dead in some cases, or have been removed from my life in others. When I am in this place, having these responses - I cheat myself from the full life and engagement I deserve.  But it is fucking scary out there!

But there is another set of possible responses.  This other set is my set of intentional tools for loving the world... and loving ME. These responses include displays of extravagant abundant compassion, busted wide open generosity, crazy-wild openness, and a fiery boldness. This latter set... is my higher self... my possible self... my true wild instinctual self. 

Sometimes in the scariest damned situations dealing with my personal shit... I have found it within myself to trust beyond anything that my default settings understand.  That's just CRAZY (and I love it)! Because of my ability to find that inner core... I am stepping into more spaces where I have been able to dip down past the sludge, and arrive at a space of compassion from which the only thing I can seem to do... is love with fucking fierce intensity, to be genuine, and have the bold authenticity to bleed side-by-side with another beautiful soul. This doesn't seem like I "put a bow on it" but.. I just ran out of words.

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