Question Du Jour: What do I need?

As I wander about feeling stressed, unfulfilled, like what I do doesn't matter all that much... I am trying to figure things out.  So I am contemplating what I need.  I need to be engaged in meaningful work, that creates and expands spaces that folks don't have much access to... whoever those folks are.  I want what I do... to matter - not in some "we need you to do this job that no one else wants to do" manner... but matter - for real! Work of substance.  My people tell me that this is true now... that what I do matters... why don't I feel like it does? I feel like a very replaceable cog in a machine whose purpose I no longer believe in. If I fell over tomorrow... another person would be placed in that spot... the line would fire back up and the machine would keep cranking. I need to be directly.engaged! I need to be needed. I need less stress. I need more sleep. Now... more than ever, I need to nourish my body with nutrients, joy, water, meaningful work, and rest. I need peace...

Question of the day: What feelings are the most difficult for you to deal with right now?

Well there are many, I am very frustrated with words... fucking words! I l-o-v-e words, love wordplay, and right now they are biting me!  In the movie My Fair Lady...  Eliza sings "words words words I'm so SICK of words.. I get words all day through first from him now from you..." yeah... like THAT! I went to say something about the weather to my lovely wife this morning. I intended to say that I had looked up the weather for the day after today, and I kept saying yesterday.  I said something like "I looked up the weather for yesterday and it's going to be almost 60 degrees yesterday, we should be able to get that outside work done." Going to be... and yesterday.  The word tomorrow... was not on the radar.  what the fuck is THAT??????? 

Frustrations Du Jour

• too tight of a schedule
• no time to THINK
• wordswordswordsi'msosickofwords!
• brain fog
• stressed
• tired-achey
• unprepared for this training I am conducting in half an hour

Celebrations Du Jour

• I've done this training MANY times - wrote the curriculum, so I can wing it.
• As soon as training is over - I am OUTTA here
• Drumming with the peeps, with little kiddos later
• I can do this...

Writing Ritual...

I am commencing a 30 day writing ritual... and using this blog as my format.  I miss blogging.. but right now... writing... is challenging.  I am recently diagnosed with MS... and finding words and stringing them together... is like digging through a giant container of exquisite beads - with the intention of making a necklace.  Cobalt... silver, burgundy, amber... oh look, this bead doesn't have a hole in it, and this is beautiful... but it is not a bead at all, it's a pretty little rock... I remember when I picked that out of Burnett's Creek  -  somewhere in the process I get derailed.  So to try to get myself started I am going to address a question or two a day for a while.  It is my HOPE that I will be here every day for 30 days.  But ya know... its not like the writing police are going to show up and revoke my blogger's license if I miss a day here and there.  But I do go forth into this space - with intention of blogging every day for 30 days.

The questions Du Jour are:  Which of your habits promote wellness?   

• Staying boldly connected to Spirit... via ritual, worship, & fellowship in a variety of formats - with several overlapping circles of folks.  These things - these beautiful souls, nourish me, lift me up, and somehow... simultaneously free me - and tether me "all at the same time, because it's a place of mystery."
• Staying connected to my people, even when I wanna crawfish into a hidey hole. Reaching out for a "voice tether" when that is what I need.
• Lighting candles
• Talking when I need to talk
• Tapping into creative things, like making drums, drumming whenEVER possible
• Sitting with a pot of tea and a book
• Eating healthy food
• Putting my feet, into wild places with running water
• Exploring the wild places - with wild friends

Which contribute to discomfort and disease? 

• Not getting adequate sleep.  This is such a  HUGE  issue for me, I don't sleep enough.  Falling asleep can be very tricksy... but I gotta own this part... If I don't crawl INTO the hammock until nearly midnight, I am robbing my self of the opportunity for more Zzz's - it's pretty clear I won't be sleeping... if I don't go to bed!
• Falling into old thought patterns of being disposable / unworthy / bothersome... so when I am having a bad time... sometimes I just crawfish into the hidey hole, sometimes I just go silent... and don't let the people who love and cherish me... in on it.
• Pushing WAY the fuck too hard, and thus, wearing myself completely out.  It takes longer to recharge from THAT place, than if I was just more reasonable.
• Some days - maybe too much caffeine - though none of my medical staff have mentioned it .
• I know there are days, I don't drink enough water.

I'm certain there are more in each category, but that is what comes swims to the surface.

Pondering PTHC 2012

PTHC 2012 is now history.  

This was my second time attending this amazing conference and I am awe-struck by the evolutions of thought, burgeoning spheres of engagement and the ever-widening circles of friends with which I have been blessed through the experience.  I have been both witness and resource as lives have been transformed.   I cannot begin to provide an exhaustive list of the moments of WOW I experienced, this takes time to process, and sometimes you just don't know about the impact of things, until something else comes and taps you on the shoulder.  
Some things that do rise to the top of my consciousness this day...

Representing the Interfaith Working Group in many capacities in various contexts across the conference, was my privilege.  Talking about IWG with presenters and attendees alike, and hearing so many times "I didn't know ANYONE was DOING that kind of work!"  reaffirms the importance of our shared work. Being on the conference planning committee, being involved in the Spirituality Working Group, and in the Indigenous Spirituality working group has been an honor.

Gifting Chief Bob Mexhalaniyat (Red Hawk) Ruth of the Lenape Nation with this hand made drum, in gratitude from the PTHC: Indigenous Spirituality Working Group, was humbling, amazing, and surreal.  Working with this year's coordinator of indigenous Spirituality programming, has been GREAT!  Thanks for all of your hard work Janis Stacy! 


Being asked to serve as Coordinator for Indigenous Programming for PTHC 2013 - is scary-exciting!

Leading workshops that bring drumming as a spiritual practice... to the spirits of folks across faith traditions, cultures and gender identities... and seeing them find that place - perhaps that moment of wholeness they had not glimpsed before was transformational.  Watching as people find their voice - with the drum - beautiful!  Having the honor of doing this work alongside someone I love and respect immensely makes the work that much more powerful, and meaningful!  Several powerful moments of vulnerability and connection - the spirit moves ~ In Lak 'Ech!

• Smudging - at a conference - WOW!  Helping to lead Native Drumming Circles - YES!  
• Leading a dynamic, soothing and energizing Earth-Based Ritual as part of a very powerful team of 4, was just BEYOND!
• Hearing the stories, telling some stories of my own.  Talking "outside the box" naming the box and looking for intersectional connections - brought both tears, and joy.
• Being able to just be as gay as I wanna be, as Indigenous as I wanna be - whatever ANY of that looks like - is so freeing, so empowering and just so freaking cool that it makes my heart SING!  
• Having the loving care of so MANY friends while I was trying to balance self-care and active engagement... is just super-wonderful - all y'all KNOW who you are!

There's so much more, but words, are so inadequate...

No, but you're close...

I've been engaged in conversations about experiences with some of my beloved people who have walked on. This one keeps coming to the surface.  Sometimes the experiences I have, are fleeting, and seem more casual and social, while others are hugely significant.  This experience is of the latter variety.  This all happened in a dream. The dream was on the night before Thanksgiving 2008.  I had been struggling with a decision that I'll talk about later. 


I dreamed I was in a space that looked a lot like a section of our local airport.  There was a curved counter, attended by agents, who weren't really doing much.  There were bunches of people milling about.  As I looked into the crowd I saw my Mom and got SO excited!  I went to her and was like "Mom! Mom!" and hugging her to pieces, knowing full well she had long passed.  It felt like she was in anguish, and not nearly so ecstatic to see me, as I was to see her. This realization deflated my exuberance, and I asked her how she was there... and suddenly it was like the proverbial light bulb went -*click*- over my head and I asked:


"Mom, and I where YOU are?"
She looked me right in the eye and replied "no, but you're close."  She looked me in the eyes with great fierce love and intention, she hugged me, and disappeared into the crowd.  Then I woke up.


I had not heard my Mother's voice in nearly 20 years, but those 4 words were in her voice. They were utterly Mom, in spirit and enunciation, and delivered in her "this is no time for bullshit Linda Jean... you WILL listen to me" tone... with which I was quite familiar from my teenage years.  Those 4 words, scared me!


I had been struggling with a decision as I mentioned.  I was weighing in the pros and cons of having weight loss surgery.  The full travelogue of that journey can be found here.  I was in a bad way physically... I was waffling back and forth... I needed a nudge.  That nudge came in the form of a messenger who would not be dismissed.  Mom. 

Mom and I have an intricate relationship, which evolved over the years into an amazing friendship.  During her 2 year journey with breast cancer, the surgery, the chemo, the radiation, the waxing and waning hope, we grew so very close.  Mom was a loving and nurturing being of immense compassion, but make no mistake... Mom was also... a no bullshit kinda woman!  Much like the old EF Hutton commercials, when Mom talked you LISTENED!


When I woke up, I talked to Jen about the dream, and what it meant.  We were in agreement and Jen was in full support of my decision to pursue WLS.  That day, was Thanksgiving, and as my family gathered, I told them of my decision and began the long journey to better health that day. I have come a long way from that point, but I believe that I walk this Earth, that I live and breathe due to my Mom's ability to communicate with me from the other side, and my openness to that communication.

Thank you Mom, for setting my feet on that path, and enabling me to claim for myself a life of vitality, that now enables me to live a life of purpose and active engagement, not possible before this transformation.  
This has put me in a position to be involved in some amazing work!
I LOVE you and as always... you're amazing!
Aho!

Layers and Dragonflies

Grief is not just a feeling that you at some point experience, it is a journey.  This post is an attempt to document my journey through the first year of the loss of my Grandson Kaiden Joshua.  I have layers of emotion, layers of experience, layers of grief over the loss of Kaiden. Its been a year, and still I can be triggered into a grief-storm.  Talking to Kaiden's big sister BreAnna, seeing a baby boy about the age Kaiden would be, a song, seeing a dragonfly... can send me to that place. Dragonflies live out their full lives in a short time span, some as short as 24 hours... I always experience Kaiden as a blue dragonfly.   


My heart today, feels like it felt a year ago... the helplessness I feel, is profound.  My family is hurting and I can't make it better.  Some of the experiences and images from that time cling to me, and to the entire family, and maybe they always will. I know that Kaiden is in an amazing place with his Creator and his ancestors... and that HE is just fine... but that doesn't keep me from recognizing that this situation totally sucks!   I feel like I've come a bit untethered today, like I slithered out of my skin and am free-floating.

I do not pretend to know how it feels to be my Son Joshua or his wife Ashley as the parents of the child who was born directly into heaven... just five weeks short of his due date.  I can only relate the multilayered experience of this Gramma.  I not only journey through the layer of the intensity of my grief for the precious boy we lost, I also journey through the layer of devastation of not knowing how to comfort my Son, Kaiden's father... and his beloved Ashley. Or my daughters, Kim and Erica, the doting Aunties... who waited with such eager anticipation and who are also hurting profoundly.  I am no more help to them, than I am to Josh and Ashley. As a Gramma, my role is to empower and nurture my children and grandchildren, to serve as an anchoring point for them in this world, to be a source of strength.  It mostly feels like I failed miserably at this, when it comes to our journey with Kaiden.  


On the day we lost Kaiden, I told my friend Anne that I didn't know how to be the Mother and Grandmother that my family needed me to be.  Her wise council was that I needed to be the person that Lynn needed me to be, before I could be anyone, or do anyTHING... for anyone else.  While that is absolutely true, I don't feel like I ever GOT there... for any of us.  Maybe I'll talk to her today.

We discovered that there might be complications with the pregnancy, early in the second trimester (I think... maybe it was late in the first).  Our family's journey through the pregnancy was part joy, part hope, part faith, and part just plain scary. Erica and I went to visit  Josh and Ashley a few weeks before his arrival.  It was a beautiful family time of love, affirmation and reconnection.  BreAnna had her first birthday when we were there, it was awesome to be there for that! I spent a fair amount of time lounging on the couch with Ashley, with my hand on her belly, talking to Kaiden and pouring out my love with and without words. Every time I felt him move, it felt like I was holding him.  One evening while Josh and Erica were off doing something... I watched from the living room as Ashley was rocking BreAnna to sleep in her room down the hall.  Ashley was singing Jesus Loves Me to her children. Kaiden snoozing away in the belly beneath his Sister who was snoozing on him... it was a sweet, sweet moment that I will never forget.

I mourn for those experiences we never got to share with Kaiden... those first steps, and first words and walking in the woods together. I wanted to share a birthday with him (he was due on my birthday)... I wanted to share my love of the one leggeds, the two leggeds, the four leggeds, the swimmers, crawlers and flyers.  As a traditional Grandmother, one of my roles is to pass on the teachings... I so wanted to be able to do that. I want to teach my Grandchildren... ALL of them... about turtles and herons and dragonflies.   During this grief journey year, I have neglected to do that with my other Grandchildren, which makes me feel even suckier... I need to work on that.  I love them each completely and profoundly for the amazing and unique spirits they embody.  


This loss took the wind out of my sails, and made me feel like a crappy Mother and Gramma, who didn't have much to offer to her family beyond her immense love.  I know in my left brain, that this is not fair or accurate, but my right brain on the other hand is not on board... it just knows how much this all hurts.... and wants to just make it all better.. and simply cannot.

I just hurt... down to the deepest places of my being.  It always helps me when I'm in turmoil, to seek out the trees, the woods, the water and the rocks. Those places are where I hear Creator's voice most clearly, and feel Creator's love most keenly. The hills and the trees wrap me in their arms and help me gather myself again - perhaps I'll take to the woods sometime today. 


Today, is also my anniversary.  I have been partnered with my amazing Jen for 15 years, I love her utterly and completely. And she loves me beyond all reason. I celebrate our love and commitment, our relationship and our life!   It is hard to have these 2 anniversaries on the same day though... on the one hand woo-hoo celebratory... on the other hand... not so much.  I don't know how to be fully present in both, yet they both deserve my full presence.


I do know that I'll be drumming later today... and that is always, ALWAYS good for me.  I'll be drumming with people who are very dear to me.  Being in their loving presence will be perfect.  Rhythm succeeds, where words fail.  Perhaps, by expressing through rhythm... I'll drum my way back into my skin.

Aho!

The Long Road to Forgiveness

Months and months ago... even longer ago than my last post here... I was sitting in a pew, listening to a sermon... not just being there while that was happening... but really listening. The sermon rocked cause the Pastor is phenomenal! I had previously been "unchurched" as they say for some 25 years... and finding this particular church... with this AMAZING pastor changed that for me. I still absolutely... positively follow my traditional Native spiritual path, but I also am enriched by integrating other things, sometimes I am positively giddy about the connections I find! But... I digress.

The sermon centered around forgiveness. As I look back now... at that moment... I started a journey.  When the Pastor gave that sermon, it was like she took a big ole stick and stirred a long dormant pot... and things began to cook. I just went and looked at some of my journals, that sermon was just a couple days shy.. of a year ago! I guess the cooking that began at that point is of the slow - cookin variety! 


I have a wonderful family... my children, my super-supportive Sister... but I haven't involved them in this process directly. They are awesome and I love them, each and every one... maybe I was trying to protect them... from being hurt by that which has hurt me for so long.  I also have what I consider my support team, who HAVE each been directly involved in all of this... I've had many conversations with these most excellent people:

• My wonderful partner, who loves me beyond all reckoning... who was there when the  memories and awarenesses first resurfaced in me and scared me to death... who knows me better than most anyone and who loves the person I truly am. I never would have had the courage to face this... without her all encompassing and unconditional love. 
• My therapist who asks hard questions, who holds up the mirror regularly and calls "bullshit" when that needs to be done, and sometimes... it does! 
• My Pastor who who helped me to truly... believe... and who has held my hand and watched my back... and walked alongside me on this journey through some pretty scary places. This journey has resulted in an amazing friendship! This beautiful person is no longer my Pastor, she has been called elsewhere to serve.  But, she was the first person I EVER considered to be MY Pastor... and in the reaches of my innermost heart, she's Pastor Emeritus, released of that official responsibility, but honored for her role.  So... for the purpose of this writing she will remain in that Pastoral role... since when I started this journey... and this writing... she still was my Pastor  :-) 
• My dear friend who has become my Sibling/Brother/Counterpart... a true kindred-spirit (you know who you are - I love you - I am blessed!). You have taught me BOLDness... or helped me to reclaim it at very least! 

So yeah, lots and LOTS of conversations... regarding childhood sexual abuse. Something that had haunted me and over time hollowed me out like a Jack-o-lantern, and caused me to go to some pretty dark places, and engage in some pretty unhealthy behaviors. My work with each of these beautifully loving souls has been very empowering, but the whole forgiveness thing still seemed beyond my reach.

No one said or even suggested that I had to forgive my abuser. I just felt like SOMETHING was supposed to be done... to enable me to move forward and forgiveness was the only word I had. My therapist, suggested to me that I needed to define forgiveness for ME... find MY definition. I guess I didn't know I could DO that, that it was mine to define. I felt like forgiveness was this certain thing that by its very definition contained certain components. If it WAS mine to define I certainly didn't know how to do THAT without being stuck with the aspects that I either reject, or at the very least I was not yet at a place where I could consider them. It seemed to me at that time, that if I removed those components we were no longer talking forgiveness, but something else entirely.

• Excerpt from my journal: “does forgiveness have to be complete… a blanket sort of deal… or can I craft my own contract where I define the terms and conditions?” 
• Journal Excerpt 2 "Forgiveness is an act of creation. You can choose from many ways to do it. You can devise a blanket of forgiveness. You decide" - Clarissa Pinkola Estés    A blanket of forgiveness and I get to decide... WHO KNEW? 

So as I rolled it around and around (kind of like a bowling ball: big and heavy), I just couldn't find the holes that allowed me to hold it, and guide it.... it was just... unmanageable. It is like my therapist handed me the ball, but it was just too heavy to hold like it was, so I put it down and just looked at it, not knowing what to do. "Yep... that's mine all right... there it IS... now what?" But that Sunday, when the Pastor spoke of Grace, that which just IS... that which it is not possible to earn... a subtle shifting began to occur.  It was like in the old game of Moustrap... something was set into motion... that was going to take a series of interactions to come about. Boot kicks bucket... marble down zigzag chute...marble hits pole, down the bathtub drain... etc... I've never been too spiffy at engineering... so it took several tear downs and re-constructions to build a sequence within ME... that could work. Doing things the hard way... its what I DO!

I began rolling this thing around with Grace in mind and to my surprise and relief, I noticed that there did seem to be some holes in that old clunker of a ball after all. They were not as well formed as they needed to be, and certainly not as deep as they needed to be. I couldn't heft the thing and give it a roll... yet. But I DID see that I was on the path to being able to do that. The concept and the word Grace was helping me frame this work. I even defined what GRACE meant for me, in this situation... Not only the Godly gift that people think of when they hear the word... but for me... Grace is also defined as:

Gently - gotta be gentle... with ME

Releasing - that was what I knew was needed, some kind of release

Anger - yes Maam, I've got a mountain of it, even though when asked, I flat denied it.

Creating - I had to craft it... for ME

Empowerment - I felt powerless in that situation and I needed to reclaim MY power

This helped me frame it, but I still struggled with the notion that forgiving my abuser, meant somehow giving him a pass... saying all of the things he did to me then, and the residual that has clung to me every day since was okay, and that it didn't matter. That felt like complete and utter bullshit to me... and it still does! I can be very stubborn, as each of my support team has lovingly pointed out... and I stubbornly held onto the anguish.. and to the notion that forgiveness ... was giving my abuser a pass.  I must be clear here... this was my self imposed THING... no one said that forgiveness was that, but something in ME believed it to be so.  My concept of what forgiveness was, and was not... was an unsolvable Gordian knot... tying me to the past.

Although I had been doing a lot of good personal work... I was SO stuck, that knot was so huge and so complex.  It seemed that every bit of work I did, every bit of wonderful guidance from my support team I received, I would turn a corner and the knot would just be sitting there... staring me in the face. "Sooo we meet again..." It was MY knot.. I had crafted it.  No one could untie it for me... that was my work to do.   I considered the question of WHY this issue has persisted as it has for me, I realized it is because a lesson remains for me. I firmly believe that a lesson is repeated... until it is LEARNED.

I know that by doing the hard and consistent daily work of healing, the traumas, and tragedies of our lives recede into their rightful place in the background, like a mountain range in the background of a painting. They are part of the landscape of our lives, but they no longer dominate that landscape. BUT if you have left some of your personal work undone, in MY case... by not forgiving... one day you turn around and "HOLY SHIT!" those mountains have picked up their substantial skirts and have come scampering to the foreground. Suddenly you turn around... there they ARE and you promptly fall on our face! No matter how I worked it, or looked at it... I could not escape the idea that forgiving meant somehow absolving my abuser of what he did, and I do not... I felt like it would be saying it was okay, and that it didn't matter... it is NOT ok and it DOES matter! Those things... were my mountains.

This has been a process... and once that stick stirred things up nearly a year ago... its been like I was watching a bubble rise up through honey. I could see it comin', but it was way slow. A couple of weeks ago... it finally reached the surface, but I somehow could not say the words... and the bubble couldn't pop without my words.  My words were the pin required to deflate that toxic thing... once and for all. I felt that I needed to pray it into existence... to speak its name to the Universe and let that Divine Eternal Love in the center of all that is... carry it off. I went to my aforementioned amazing Pastor and we examined it from various perspectives, this journey of mine. I had this awareness that it had arrived, the moment of forgiveness, and I had intention to make it so... but the words were lost to me.. or they were stuck within me. Anyone who knows me... knows that for ME to lack words... is a bit of a rarity (as the length of this post may attest).

I pray all the time, throughout my day, through words and dance and rhythm... but I had no prayer for this. I asked her to help me give voice to my intention, to put it into the world, I asked, and she prayed it aloud for me... we did this together (and WOW its hard to write this without using her name - just sayin). She suggested that maybe in addition to our prayers of intention... I needed to activate my Native ceremonial practices... Good Call!

• I haven't mentioned (and I must) that the most beautiful moment with this amazing woman was when she said to me... early in my contact with this church something quite close to "I am so glad you are here ... it is great ! But don't you DARE set aside other things that you do, practices that have meaning for you... and that lift you up... for anything we do here." That loving acceptance has continued.  I never expected that level of acceptance anywhere... the unconditional love and acceptance of who I am... blows me away... to this day! 

So as we spoke of this process... of my bubble as it were... She said my description made her think of boiling mud... which dries and cracks... and crumbles and can be sent on its way in the wind. That gave me my spark!

As I pondered this ceremonial send off, the medicines and my teachings... revealed themselves. The first draft of this post described what I did... in detail, but that's no good.. that's sacred ceremonial work. The details of preparation and specifics the what and the how... those are mine... but in general terms, there was smudging... once prepared in a sacred manner, I held the bowl aloft, to the 4 directions, and as the smoke rolled it carried away my bitterness, it carried with it the gripping power of the past... the bindings that held me to those things, was consumed. I spoke aloud the words of forgiveness... and gave my anguish to my Creator. When the burning was over... I scattered the ashes to the 4 directions, the night breeze sent the particles on their respective journeys. As the last ashes took to the wind, something within me lept for joy... my spirit SINGS and I feel so amazingly FREE!

What has this done for me? As I lifted my burden up into far more capable arms... I find that my own arms are now free to embrace life more fully. That's a downright amazing and beautiful thing! I am embracing my inner otter... the animal totem symbolizing Grace... I'm floating on my back in the blessed waters...



Wawena... Pilamaya and Chii Megwetch to my support team! In the words of a song I love "what we do in love and kindness, is all we ever leave behind" and each of you has left an indelible mark on my life and on my heart.  There are no adequate words for what I now feel... for the place I now stand... you each helped me get here, for that you have my perpetual love and respect!

Aho!