Friday, January 6, 2012

No, but you're close...

I've been engaged in conversations about experiences with some of my beloved people who have walked on. This one keeps coming to the surface.  Sometimes the experiences I have, are fleeting, and seem more casual and social, while others are hugely significant.  This experience is of the latter variety.  This all happened in a dream. The dream was on the night before Thanksgiving 2008.  I had been struggling with a decision that I'll talk about later. 

I dreamed I was in a space that looked a lot like a section of our local airport.  There was a curved counter, attended by agents, who weren't really doing much.  There were bunches of people milling about.  As I looked into the crowd I saw my Mom and got SO excited!  I went to her and was like "Mom! Mom!" and hugging her to pieces, knowing full well she had long passed.  It felt like she was in anguish, and not nearly so ecstatic to see me, as I was to see her. This realization deflated my exuberance, and I asked her how she was there... and suddenly it was like the proverbial light bulb went -*click*- over my head and I asked:

"Mom, and I where YOU are?"
She looked me right in the eye and replied "no, but you're close."  She looked me in the eyes with great fierce love and intention, she hugged me, and disappeared into the crowd.  Then I woke up.

I had not heard my Mother's voice in nearly 20 years, but those 4 words were in her voice. They were utterly Mom, in spirit and enunciation, and delivered in her "this is no time for bullshit Linda Jean... you WILL listen to me" tone... with which I was quite familiar from my teenage years.  Those 4 words, scared me!

I had been struggling with a decision as I mentioned.  I was weighing in the pros and cons of having weight loss surgery.  The full travelogue of that journey can be found here.  I was in a bad way physically... I was waffling back and forth... I needed a nudge.  That nudge came in the form of a messenger who would not be dismissed.  Mom. 

Mom and I have an intricate relationship, which evolved over the years into an amazing friendship.  During her 2 year journey with breast cancer, the surgery, the chemo, the radiation, the waxing and waning hope, we grew so very close.  Mom was a loving and nurturing being of immense compassion, but make no mistake... Mom was also... a no bullshit kinda woman!  Much like the old EF Hutton commercials, when Mom talked you LISTENED!

When I woke up, I talked to Jen about the dream, and what it meant.  We were in agreement and Jen was in full support of my decision to pursue WLS.  That day, was Thanksgiving, and as my family gathered, I told them of my decision and began the long journey to better health that day. I have come a long way from that point, but I believe that I walk this Earth, that I live and breathe due to my Mom's ability to communicate with me from the other side, and my openness to that communication.
Thank you Mom, for setting my feet on that path, and enabling me to claim for myself a life of vitality, that now enables me to live a life of purpose and active engagement, not possible before this transformation.  
This has put me in a position to be involved in some amazing work!
I LOVE you and as always... you're amazing!

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