On the Brink...

The tree in the image, looks like a two spirit person to me, both male and female... zhe has one hand on hip... pointing down the hill.Tomorrow... I turn 55.This is terrifying. If I were all actively engaged with life, if I were healthy... maybe it wouldn't be terrifying. But this has been a hell of a past 6 months, beginning with the cavalcade of concussions, and marching through the valley of the shadow of MS. I am carrying a lot of pain - in all spheres, and uncertainly, and more than a little anger (due in part, but not entire to the steroids). My mother passed through the Western Door nearly 24 years ago. She was 55. I know in the cognitive workings that I am not my Mother and my health story is not hers. But... but... but. When it comes my turn to celebrate 56, I think I will feel differently about this alignment... but not today. In the words of my friend. 

"We are not our Mothers... but we are."

Volcanic...

Like Mount Fucking Vesuvius - it feels like somethin's gunna blow!  Pressure mounting... pain fear pain anger pain uncertainty pain frustration pain fury pain. I am in big-biig pain today, the older the day gets, the more the pain is building. the fear, the isolation and the rage is crankin' up the heat. Starting round 2 of steroids today, is turning the burner up to volcanic levels. Fists balled up at my temples crying and screaming, scaring the hell out of the cats - fury! I hate the way I feel. i.fuckin.hate.it! An unfinished project - is giving me some focus and diversion at least momentarily. Focused-diverted all at the same time. A scary place.

Its a very joined day. Each having unique identity and experiences, but somehow having an all access pass to some shared space, shared energies. My "side of the shell" is not the same as the other... but, it is one shell. When that much "stuff" is washing around inside the shell... it affects the shell entire. See how they look at each other?  Brings a whole new dimension to being a "rider along-sider."

When Roseann asked me last night how I was dealing emotionally with my diagnosis... I guess I haven't been doing much work on that front now... have I? I have opened myself up to those considerations today and boyoboy!  Although I have been affected by symptoms and working on the details of getting a second and all of that... in a way that has been a distraction.  It hit me between the eyes... when I was put on steroids for this damned exacerbation and then we started talking actual MS meds.  I guess my most present emotions today are unreality, anxiety and worry... with a fear and anger chaser... make it a double! The rational person would be correct to point out that those things will add to my stress, and make this exacerbation more troublesome. There's a storm of energies swirling around inside the shell.  

Whatever the sound of rage is... insert that here!

Pouring it Out...

Tonight my legs feel like bundles of live wires... more like each leg is a nylon stocking with about 5 electric eels crammed in there that are WAY pissed off at each other. I tried to go to bed, but just hurt too much not to be way restless. So I thought I'd take some meds and blog a bit while they kick in. Earlier in the day, while visiting my cousins grave... I felt like a collapse was imminent. Not just physically, but emotionally/spiritually as well. I was on one knee in front of her stone, with my hand on top of it... and felt this unhinging beginning to happen. I felt myself swaying... swooning to be precise. I felt Cindy grabbed me by the elbow and say "no Lindy, NO... go to Jen... let her take care of you."  About that time my Jen was just there... and when I got up - she did grab my elbow, and walked me to the car.  Jen asked if my feet hurt she said I was walking funny.  At dinner with 2 other cousins before that, I had some speech issues... it is troubling to hear that happen, to be aware that it is, and not be able to stop it. Troubling also to see the cloud pass over their faces when it did. I've always been at least articulate. On the way home... I had some stammers also. I dunno if that is MS talking - or if that is a throwback stress thing. When I get way stressed... sometimes that happens. 

Pain and fear and anger and frustration... uncertainty and grief and fury and sadness... rage and embarrassment and futility and helplessness... physical pain and emotional pain, spiritual pain and mental pain... I pour those out tonight... within the safety of these banks... knowing that you are out there guarding my riverbanks. You let me rage and keep me safe while I pour myself out... releasing some of the pressure... and cleansing my spirit. You each know who you are... and I love you beyond measure.

Mon-steroids...

Day 3 on mon-steroids. I rage, I cry, I struggle... I look different, I sound different, I act different.  A protruding vein on my forehead? WTF is that? I think my eyes may be pulsing like in this pic. I feel so unreal... so unME, like there's someone... pacing around in the cage of my body... fingers gripping the bars of my ribcage and peering out.. snarling and snapping... but also mourning her inability to articulate her pain. At least unable to say it in a way that she is really.truly.heard... except by the closest partners on this journey. Mournful that it seems to be of no consequence to the medical folks that I carry big-big pain every.fucking.day. My circle of support is wonderful, they understand, they want to help... but they don't know what to do to make it go away any more than I do. Of course they DO help... every single day... in little ways and big ways... their presence physically - spiritually keeps me putting one foot in front of the other. They keep me buoyant as much as I am able to be... without them... it woulda been game over a long time ago. My spirits... are sinking.

So please... can anyone tell me why it is okay to carry this... why is this not important enough to be an action item for the medical people? Its all so maddening and futile... the MS stuff is urgent and treatment-worthy... granted, but why not this fucking pain? Its like a crew of busy little housekeepers tidying and dusting and vacuuming and spit-polishing... all around a steaming pile of shit in the middle of the room... but not even trying to clean up THAT hot mess...

Anyone... help me understand?

All I got Today...

No Questions, No Answers, Just Some Words